#seeker: semper in angaria

[x-purpose]

@andallsoend

This, strictly speaking, should not be possible, but with the amount of twisting they had put the worldlines through it was no real wonder that anomalies would start to occur.  It was a very strange experience to be standing across from a creature that simulatenously was and was not himself, in a far more real sense than the other incarnations of Xehanort were.

[anxother]

Ansem! Examine that Tiny Little Shadow over there!

A smaller than usual specimen of Shadow. It is sat plopped on the floor, furiously grooming its antennae and radiating an emotion that could best be translated as: stinky >:<

It has probably encountered some concentration of positive emotion enough to irritate its senses, and retreated to somewhere it considers safe.

You are not sure what to make of the increasingly large number of Heartless who are considering your sleeping quarters to be an appropriate place to nest.

[anxother]

fun fact, this anon always forgets that xemnas and ansem aren't in a roxas situation, they do remember their time as apprentinort, unlike roxas who knows nothing about sora aside from cryptic dreams

I can never blame anyone for not following the specific lore of these situations when they are ambiguous to the point that any "retcon" rarely outright contradicts old lore, just reframes it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But yes, Ansem and Xemnas are pretty damn canonically shown to remember being Apprentinort, particularly through their interactions with Ansem the Wise.

The Ansem and Xemnas situation in regards to their other memories has, iirc, never been addressed in canon. The best we get is from KH3 secret reports is that Apprentice (Terra-)Xehanort genuinely had amnesia, and was slowly recovering memories. How many? Whose memories, considering that there's three people in there? Then we have no idea what effects the split had, leaving it even more up in the air.

My headcanon as far as this blog is concerned is that Xemnas' memories are a complete fractured trainwreck thanks to the combo of Apprentinort's mess compounded with the mess of becoming a Nobody. While Ansem, because something something counterbalancing halves of a whole something Darkness having access to the deepest reaches of heart and memory something, has access to all of Master Xehanort and Terra's memories, and maybe even Eraqus' too.

[anxother]

in the beginning of kh1, robe ansem is petty enough to treat sora as a random child on destiny islands and be like "i know more than you" and that's hilarious

Potato sack Ansem got a point though. Sora don't know shit about fuck.

It's funny in hindsight, with the addition of retcons that started to make Sora anything but the very ordinary unchosen one he was emphasised to be in the original KH1. But in context, Sora is some random child on Destiny Islands.

And Ansem is petty enough to smugly wax philosophical about epistemology at him. And that's hilarious.

[anxother]

What's the difference between Ansem!Riku (Ansem SOD possessing Riku) and Terranort? Just to clarify a confused anon who generally knows stuff, but there's probably a difference in the possession (both Terra and Riku were fighting it though)

That's... actually a good question. I think one of the major differences is that Xehanort is human when he tries, and Ansem is a Heartless. Their methods, abilties and motivations are different, even if the superficial idea of "possession" is the same.

Xehanort fully intended to take over Terra's body permanently as his own, and apparently attempted to fully merge with him, resulting in Terra-Xehanort. He could remove his own heart and transfer it using the keyblade, but removing Terra's either never worked at all, or had the side effects of breaking his mind.

Ansem was (apparently) less concerned with taking over Riku long term, and possessed him without attempting any kind of merger of hearts/body: Riku('s heart?) gets unceremoniously dumped into the Realm of Darkness not long after he's possessed, after the first stop off at Hollow Bastion, according to KH1 Final Mix. As a Heartless, I assume Ansem has got the inherent ability to rip someone's heart out and send it into the Darkness. I'm also not convinced he was intending to keep Riku's body either - he wasn't attempting to get a second shot at physical existence like Xehanort was, he planned on going straight on to the Realm of Darkness and Kingdom Hearts. Future entries in the series also seem to show that possessing might have been a catalyst to regaining a form, but having Riku's body, or any body, was not a necessity for him to take it on afterwards. (My hc is that, like the rest of the Heartless, he may not have a "body", but he does have a form comprised of Darkness).

In summary: Xehanort, and probably Luxu, is a normal heart taking over another body to extend a human existence. Ansem functions more like possesion of a heart/body by Darkness, or the Darknesses of KHuX.

[anxother]

The Big Queer Pride Month Nort Gender/Sexuality Writeup!

This... got long.

Note: These are based on my usual and unimaginative gender headcanons for Terra (cis-male), Eraqus (cis-male), and Xehanort (cis-male with a little bit of gender nonconformace thrown in).  If I was playing with specific muses with difference hcs, the ingredients going into the Terranort Heart Soup would be different and I’d work with that.

General purpose caveat: none of these are labels the muses themselves would use in just about any verse, even a modern AU. To me, they hit too hard of a very specific time and culture and that pulls me right out of thinking of characters in context. But from an external perspective, these are what we’re using now and there’s so much more breadth of terms it’s great, let’s gooooo.

Ansem

Male presenting, increasingly agender, pansexual, gray-aromantic 

Ansem is by this point male presenting, for that matter human presenting, more out of habit than anything else.  With no body and no connection to societal expectations and perceptions to provide gender disphoria/euphoria, cis/trans loses a bit of meaning, but you can put it this way: he’s entirely comfortable with being percieved as male, and he’s never made any significant attempt to change his “assigned” gender.  Maybe he’ll try it sometime.

(AUs tend to fall harder on definite, but often covertly insecure, masculinity.  While it depends on the setting and background, there’s usually some level of percieved gender nonconformance he feels the need to supress.  This can be anything from minor to the hottest of messes.)

He is very, very pansexual, not in the waahh "bi" enforces the gender binary/excludes transgender people way but in that if you're thinking in a linear spectrum with a single dimension then oh boy have I got news for you. He isn't sexually attracted to everyone and everything, but if you think he's going to be picky about genitals, or gender, or species, or whether or not you're an eldritch abomination and/or personification of primordial abstract principle in a human skin suit or mildly unsettling glamour, or any other dimension in the vector space of possible partners, you've fundamentally misunderstood just what Ansem is. He's not human, he has a form but not necessarily a body, and the line between lust, heartless hunger, aggresion, and the natural desire of both hearts and darkness to connect and merge is blurred to say the least.  If there’s anything that consistently attracts him it’s power, on either side of the equation: either expressing it in dominance, clashing with an equal force, or for the very few who are both willing and able to force him into submission, being subjected to it.

He’d like to deny any romantic feeling, but that’s not the case. It may take someone or something exceptional to get his attention, and he may not express “romance” in anything like a normal manner, but on the vanishingly rare times he does form emotional connections they run deep, and obsessive.

Xemnas

Cis-male, asexual, aromantic

Gender, his own or anyone else’s, is a trifling detail to Xemnas. He doesn’t have any attachment to a male identity, but neither is he concerned enough by the issue to attempt to subvert it. It’s a dry fact of biology and social presentation, not a deeply felt one of identity.

Xemnas is asexual in the sense that he does not feel sexual attraction. At all. But on the flip side, he is sex positive, if in a slightly warped way. Sex is pleasureable and physical release is necessary - but it is an entirely physical act with no emotional, romantic or even desire component.  As far as Xemnas is concerned, sex is something that happens only because he has decided it is of benefit to engage in it. There isn’t any sense of the subtle games of flirting or seduction, and if that former is responded to or the latter is used, you can be sure it is calculated. The closest thing to sexual or romantic attraction he feels is aesthetic attraction, and that exists on precisely the same level whether person or object.  In that sense, he leans strongly homoaesthetic.

Apprentice Xehanort

Cis-male(..?), gay? probably??, Just A Hot Mess

Being male is about the only thing Xehanort is certain of except those times when the general identity and body dysphoria really kick in. And he’s probably gay, judging by the confusing mess of emotions that might be inappropriate crushes have so far only cropped up around other men, unless he’s bi and just not getting out of the labs enough.  And there’s a distant, frustrated sense that the total identity amnesia and having to figure all this out is like going through puberty again, only with and adult body and even less of a clue.

Xehanort is slowly picking up and haphazardly piecing together an identity from the scattered fragments of 3 different people (at least), and gender and sexual identity comes as part of the package.  “Male” gets a firm majority vote, which fortunately aligns with his body or he’d be even more of a hot mess, but everything else is confusing, especially with the state of his heart and his often contradictory emotions tending to run out of control.

[anxother]

why do you hurt?

Ansem:

because you cannot hold freedom

the sky is only air. the ocean is only water. the only freedom you will ever have is breathing, drawing this air again & again & again & again. You have to exhale, and it costs you something - you have to quench your thirst and it comes back again - there is nothing solid in being free, it is not a status to be achieved but an action to do. Free is an active status, and you worry you'll somehow forget. there are people who would control you. there are orders you could obey. you keep coming back to take this next breath, your own part of the forever-freedom of the sky, but sometimes you think to hold your breath. it is deceptively peaceful underwater. you don't know if you would notice it if you started drowning.

Xemnas:

you were meant to

it was built into you. designed for you. there is pain here because it was meant for you, and how fucking dare they. your suffering is not their right. you hurt because they gave you ways to suffer and carved it into you when you could not breathe, because the intention always was that they could weaponize your pain against you. it is Yours. You are Yours. How fucking dare they. they cannot make you theirs; do not let them try.

Apprentice Xehanort:

you swallow pain & fold around it

you have always hurt. you hold it carefully, and twisted in such a way that other people don't have to see it. you don't choke on it. you don't drown. you just have it, the way some people have freckles, this is a thing that lives in your bones. you fold instead of fighting because you know how to make yourself small, tuck away the places where they have clawed at, swallow the bruises so you seem clean. nobody needs to see it. you will live through this on your own. you know what you need, and relief isn't it. this doesn't mean you cannot reach out - it means it is not in your nature to do so. you should. hiding does not mean you won't be seen.

[anxother]

continued from @monagxrie

Ansem squinted.  He wasn’t drunk enough to miss the personal comparison, despite that what he was drinking was from the fae realm and would likely have killed an ordinary mortal long before now.  Or perhaps he was drunk enough to be taking everything personally.

“Interesting.” He took another drink, pointedly ignoring the implication in case it was deliberate. “That would imply that your body alone has adequate faculties of perception.  Do you lose sight, smell and hearing entirely when the head is distant from the body, or experience it only from the location of the head? Or are those faculties inherent to your essence not your physical form, and you begin to percieve the world from two different locations?”

[anxother]

@invertxgo

The sigils were still active. Not all of them, but more than none. And that was concerning enough to bear checking, even if the possible results made his stomach twist.

There were at least five. Maybe as many as seven.  The cluster of four was easy enough to identify.  One... he was not sure if it was truly there, or if it was only fantasy.  A further one, present but faint.  But the last...

Of course, Xigbar should not have survived. But that made two of them.

Tracking him down was not difficult, even had he not had the Heartless available to search.  His sigil had always been different somehow.  Stronger.

And Ansem had questions.

[anxother]

w/e, enjoy some dergNorts.

[anxother]

((Billy Zane oozes charisma for Ansem in KH1, Richard Epcar is good as Terranort but too generic for Ansem, both are super hammy villains though, but that's what this anon thinks)) (that darkness is the heart's true essence speech is an amazing villain speech in general lol)

What the hell, just going to use this as an excuse to talk about one of my favourite little Ansem details...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z35eU3cqek

Here's a voice comparison of KH1 battle quotes from the two VAs. Skip right to the end for the last line, "My strength returns". That's really easy to read as a bog standard villain boast, which Richard Epcar does. But Billy Zane makes it hit very differently, and somehow very in line with what we later find out: at this point, Ansem has been weak for a long time and has only just regained anything like his real strength. I love the ham, but there's subtly more to Ansem, right from the first game, that got buried for most of the series behind a more generic villain vibe and writing until KH3 hit.

[anxother]

“Ever the gracious host,” Ansem smiled, placing feet back on solid ground again to follow.  “Your enemies don’t know what they are missing out on.”

anxother​:

Ansem shrugged, settling into a more relaxed seated position in mid air. 

“I would hope not. Like most demons, we djinn age at very slow rate.”

Too early to tell how that little fact would affect Ganondorf. But if Ansem had to hazard a guess, Demise’s power would not let its host die so easily. Even without demonic influence, those with sorcererous power even amongst the short-lived races tended to live far longer. 

The large man relaxed and gave a slight smirk “Regardless we have much to catch up on in your many years away.” motioning for him to follow “Come, join me for some tea.”

[anxother]

((What's your internal voice for your Ansem SOD muse? Billy Zane or Richard Epcar?))

Tell you a secret Anon, I have learnt over the years that I am often startlingly insensitive to recognising VAs, either between two different characters or between VA changes to the same character unless there was something very obviously different about the two...

After all this time it's still Billy Zane, if I actually compare them side by side, but I find the two voices in and of themselves too similar to judge - for me the real difference in the delivery in only a few key lines. So you could equally say that by now it's a blend of the two.

[anxother]

"I am not your little jester! I am my own little jester!"

It had been amusing, though. The cat that was definitely not a cat deciding that a pile of purring Shadows would make an excellent bed, until the unfortunate decision to knead with full claws had stirred up the swarm. The Shadows’ confusion as what should have been easy prey shredded several of them to black mist, then scrambled to the top of a nearby bookshelf.  And now, the agitated swarm at the base of the bookself, which they could certainly climb but were unsure if it was worth it, and Seisyll slightly puffed up on the highest shelf with a typical feline expression of that did not happen, and you did not percieve it.

[anxother]

How Does Your Muse Carry Emotions? Rules: As always, please repost don’t reblog! Bold what applies, italicize circumstantial ones!

tagged by @daemoniumsmajesty Tagging: (I’m trying to get over my crippling aversion to tagging people in these things because it’s a small thing but not doing it goes towards the the general decay of community but oh hey it looks like I’m failing bc, tbh, half the people I’d really want to tag are inactive and the other half I’ve never properly interacted with) Uh.... anyone who see this and wants to I guess? 

(These get long with three muses to cover...)

Ansem

ANGER: jaw clenching, hands balling into fists, teeth grinding, yelling, going nonverbal, stuttering speech, rushed speech, slow concise speech, rambling, quiet, arms crossing, shaking the head, tearing up, animated, expressionless, projects, internalizes, vents, withdraws, passive-aggressive, direct, physical outbursts, verbal outbursts.

JOY: easy smiles, fighting back grins, suppressed laughter, loud laughter, giggles, chuckling, smirks, whole body laughs, covers mouth when laughing/giggling, throws head back when laughing, slaps leg, touches people around them when laughing, look down when laughing, looks for eye contact when laughing, sparkling eyes, bubbly happiness, quiet subtle happiness, obnoxious happiness, wants to spread joy, quietly savors joy.

SADNESS: crying, bottling it up, seeks distractions, wallows, meditates and processes, avoidance, seeks out comfort, withdraws, talks it out, internalizes it, sad smiles, depression naps, uses alcohol, uses drugs, seeks out sources of joy, fidgets with sentimental item, sits in silence, broods, gets moody, wants someone to share the misery, tries to hide negative emotions, nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT/SHAME: blushing, looking away, rubbing at back of head, covering face, laughing nervously, laughs it off, overthinks, lets it go, self-depreciating humor, deflects, gets irritated, smiles, withdraws, crossing arms over stomach, crossing arms over chest, hands in pockets, shoulders sinking, shrugs, falling into silence until comfortable again, talking a lot to compensate.

GUILT: avoiding eye contact, shoulders sinking low, head hanging down, crying, chest aches, lashes out, internalizes, apologizes, deflects, communicates, withdraws, grand gestures of forgiveness, accepts fault easily, punishes themselves, martyrdom, victim complex, over-active guilt complex, healthy conscience, seeking redemption, moves on easily, denial, lack of guilt/conscience, sorry they got caught more than caused harm, can’t handle knowing they hurt others.

FEAR/ANXIETY: trembling, crying, sarcasm/sass to cope, rambles, goes silent, gets angry, fidgeting, clenching jaw, picking at nails, chewing at lip, pulling at clothes, adjusting jewelry/clothing, swallowing thickly, eyes widening, over-reacts, under-reacts, calm, logical, panic, irrational, overthinks, carefully analyzes, talks to themselves, breathing exercises, flight, fight, withdraw.

Xemnas

ANGER: jaw clenching, hands balling into fists, teeth grinding, yelling, going nonverbal, stuttering speech, rushed speech, slow concise speech, rambling, quiet, arms crossing, shaking the head, tearing up, animated, expressionless, projects, internalizes, vents, withdraws, passive-aggressive, direct, physical outbursts, verbal outbursts.

JOY: easy smiles, fighting back grins, suppressed laughter, loud laughter, giggles, chuckling, smirks, whole body laughs, covers mouth when laughing/giggling, throws head back when laughing, slaps leg, touches people around them when laughing, look down when laughing, looks for eye contact when laughing, sparkling eyes, bubbly happiness, quiet subtle happiness, obnoxious happiness, wants to spread joy, quietly savors joy.

SADNESS: crying, bottling it up, seeks distractions, wallows, meditates and processes, avoidance, seeks out comfort, withdraws, talks it out, internalizes it, sad smiles, depression naps, uses alcohol, uses drugs, seeks out sources of joy, fidgets with sentimental item, sits in silence, broods, gets moody, wants someone to share the misery, tries to hide negative emotions, nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT/SHAME: blushing, looking away, rubbing at back of head, covering face, laughing nervously, laughs it off, overthinks, lets it go, self-depreciating humor, deflects, gets irritated, smiles, withdraws, crossing arms over stomach, crossing arms over chest, hands in pockets, shoulders sinking, shrugs, falling into silence until comfortable again, talking a lot to compensate.

GUILT: avoiding eye contact, shoulders sinking low, head hanging down, crying, chest aches, lashes out, internalizes, apologizes, deflects, communicates, withdraws, grand gestures of forgiveness, accepts fault easily, punishes themselves, martyrdom, victim complex, over-active guilt complex, healthy conscience, seeking redemption, moves on easily, denial, lack of guilt/conscience, sorry they got caught more than caused harm, can’t handle knowing they hurt others.

FEAR/ANXIETY: trembling, crying, sarcasm/sass to cope, rambles, goes silent, gets angry, fidgeting, clenching jaw, picking at nails, chewing at lip, pulling at clothes, adjusting jewelry/clothing, swallowing thickly, eyes widening, over-reacts, under-reacts, calm, logical, panic, irrational, overthinks, carefully analyzes, talks to themselves, breathing exercises, flight, fight, withdraw.

Appentice Xehanort

ANGER: jaw clenching, hands balling into fists, teeth grinding, yelling, going nonverbal, stuttering speech, rushed speech, slow concise speech, rambling, quiet, arms crossing, shaking the head, tearing up, animated, expressionless, projects, internalizes, vents, withdraws, passive-aggressive, direct, physical outbursts, verbal outbursts.

JOY: easy smiles, fighting back grins, suppressed laughter, loud laughter, giggles, chuckling, smirks, whole body laughs, covers mouth when laughing/giggling, throws head back when laughing, slaps leg, touches people around them when laughing, look down when laughing, looks for eye contact when laughing, sparkling eyes, bubbly happiness, quiet subtle happiness, obnoxious happiness, wants to spread joy, quietly savors joy.

SADNESS: crying, bottling it up, seeks distractions, wallows, meditates and processes, avoidance, seeks out comfort, withdraws, talks it out, internalizes it, sad smiles, depression naps, uses alcohol, uses drugs, seeks out sources of joy, fidgets with sentimental item, sits in silence, broods, gets moody, wants someone to share the misery, tries to hide negative emotions, nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT/SHAME: blushing, looking away, rubbing at back of head, covering face, laughing nervously, laughs it off, overthinks, lets it go, self-depreciating humor, deflects, gets irritated, smiles, withdraws, crossing arms over stomach, crossing arms over chest, hands in pockets, shoulders sinking, shrugs, falling into silence until comfortable again, talking a lot to compensate.

GUILT: avoiding eye contact, shoulders sinking low, head hanging down, crying, chest aches, lashes out, internalizes, apologizes, deflects, communicates, withdraws, grand gestures of forgiveness, accepts fault easily, punishes themselves, martyrdom, victim complex, over-active guilt complex, healthy conscience, seeking redemption, moves on easily, denial, lack of guilt/conscience, sorry they got caught more than caused harm, can’t handle knowing they hurt others.

FEAR/ANXIETY: trembling, crying, sarcasm/sass to cope, rambles, goes silent, gets angry, fidgeting, clenching jaw, picking at nails, chewing at lip, pulling at clothes, adjusting jewelry/clothing, swallowing thickly, eyes widening, over-reacts, under-reacts, calm, logical, panic, irrational, overthinks, carefully analyzes, talks to themselves, breathing exercises, flight, fight, withdraw.

[x-purpose]

@wyrdify

There was nothing but Darkness in Vanitas.  Ansem had known that, but to feel it on a visceral level was another matter, even with his senses dulled through layers of replica flesh and those damnable coats.  What was it about his nature that set him apart from the Heartless, when their natures were so similar?  Similar, but by no means the same.

Ansem was not expecting the slightest bit of cooperation from Vanitas, and certainly not any kind of connection.  But he was interesting enough to observe, and that observation would be noticed and reacted to.